from now on my penis is your penis
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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