Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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