So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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