Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
