end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
