I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
