Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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