ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize