Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
