Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
he just fucked me for my cheese.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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