What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
