on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
