I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
