That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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