Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
