So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize