Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
