Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
