i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
