You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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