i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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