There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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