Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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