I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
