Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Ketchup is God's man juice
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
