i will never coherently bang her
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
