Can i not drive my cunt home
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize