So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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