i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
