I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
