If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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