That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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