True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
