Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
