I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
