i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
