drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The air was thick with penises
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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