I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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