You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
