just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
