Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
