I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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