you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
