so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We are all done wearing pants today
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
