saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
