He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
