your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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