You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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