you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
