just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize