I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize