WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
