Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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