Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
