im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
