i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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