i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
