My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
