Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Randomize
