woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
